What....Ever.

It just feels like I can't do anything right anymore, it seems like every time everything starts to feel perfect and I have no more doubts, something else happens that pushes me back, and makes me want to pull away. I am so SICK of feeling the way I do. Felling like I don't come first, or feeling like I'm being pushed away. Feeling depressed, and sad. And it just hits me some days where I will be perfectly fine and the next second I feel like putting my fist threw a wall. Please don't get me wrong I LOVE my life I wouldn't change anything I have now for the world. I don't know it just sometimes doesn't feel like other people feel the same way, I know I'm easily forgotten about and pushed aside because I'm quiet but I don't know. As you can tell....my mind is a jumbled up mess right now, and honestly I don't know how to fix it. I know I'm complicated. -S P.s. I Love YOU.

Letting go? It's Worth a Shot.

The past is the past for a reason That is where it is supposed to stay But some cannot let it go In their head it eats away Until all their focus becomes The person that they used to be The mistakes they made in their life Oh if only they could see That you cannot change what happened No matter how hard you try No matter how much you think about it No matter how much you cry What happens in your lifetime Happens for reasons unknown So you have to let the cards unfold Let your story be shown Don't get wrapped up in the negative Be happy with what you have been given Live for today not tomorrow Get up, get out and start living Cos the past is the past for a reason It's been and now it is gone So stop trying to think of ways to fix it It's done, it's unchangeable, move on Something I am trying to learn and deal with is letting go. Not just things that have happened to me but things that are in the past of the ones I love as well. It't nothing about me judging them, nothing about me thinking I'm better then them. Its the person they were with, how long they were with them. It just feels like every where I turn something from the past is brought up or thought about. And every time that happens it feels like a part of my hope....dies or vanishes. It's hard. I'm not going to lie my past keeps sneaking up on me as well. There have been a lot of things that have happened to me that only certain people know about, things that some of my closest friends don't even know about. Things that I don't think I will ever be able to let go of or get past. Things that no one on this earth should go through, and I used to sit and think...why me? Why did this have to happen to me? I have nightmares almost nightly, and I haven't had more then a few hours of sleep since I can't even remember when, But I have to stop asking those questions because I am never going to find an answer, i have to just live with what I have to live with, sleep or no sleep. I have to push forward and TRY to move on. And now that I am with Chris it might get easier I pray every night that it does. Only time will tell.... xoxo - S And as always, P.s. I Love You.

Unknown things and Unanswered Questions

It’s funny how little we really know, about life, love, the world, all of it. We don’t quite understand it and its not for lack of trying no not at all because we WANT to understand it we want to understand everything in face when we don’t understand something we get mad, and frustrated we don’t like the dark abyss that is the unknown. I am kind of different though I don’t want to know everything, I don’t what to know what life will bring me because I’m scared of knowing, if it’s bad then I won’t like it, if It’s good I would want to be surprised with it. To me knowing is the scary thing that is MY dark abyss that’s MY monster in the closet. I guess I don’t want to be rejected by someone I love, or have something bad happen to them I don’t want to lose the people in my life or I guess I don’t want to know that I’m going to lose them…that would just make it even harder for me to let people in then it already is because I know I that there is a chance of those things happening but it’s a chance and an “IF” so I don’t think about it I don’t like ifs I HATE ifs. But as of right now I don’t know for sure that I could have one of my close friends step out of my life and give up on me. I think that if I did know that information….hmmm….I don’t think I could live like that. I could handle it. I’m glad I don’t have to.

P.s. I love you

Unknown things and Unanswered Questions

It’s funny how little we really know, about life, love, the world, all of it. We don’t quite understand it and its not for lack of trying no not at all because we WANT to understand it we want to understand everything in face when we don’t understand something we get mad, and frustrated we don’t like the dark abyss that is the unknown. I am kind of different though I don’t want to know everything, I don’t what to know what life will bring me because I’m scared of knowing, if it’s bad then I won’t like it, if It’s good I would want to be surprised with it. To me knowing is the scary thing that is MY dark abyss that’s MY monster in the closet. I guess I don’t want to be rejected by someone I love, or have something bad happen to them I don’t want to lose the people in my life or I guess I don’t want to know that I’m going to lose them…that would just make it even harder for me to let people in then it already is because I know I that there is a chance of those things happening but it’s a chance and an “IF” so I don’t think about it I don’t like ifs I HATE ifs. But as of right now I don’t know for sure that I could have one of my close friends step out of my life and give up on me. I think that if I did know that information….hmmm….I don’t think I could live like that. I could handle it. I’m glad I don’t have to.

P.s. I love you

Time

Do you hear that…the ticking clock, That is the sound track to my life it’s a reminder of who I am, who I’ve been missing, where I’ve been, where I come from and where I want to go. Its always there to remind me of just those things, to remind me that its all real all of the feelings that I have everything it keeps my reality in check. I know to most people who read this I sound crazy but it’s the truth. Hearing that clock “tick tock tick tock” it always reminds me that it’s real that TIME is real. It helps me remember that no matter what kind of heartbreak or pain may come, there is going to be a time when I am happy again. Time is my Best friend and my worst enemy the more time that goes by the more people I gain in life but also the more I lose. Sometimes I feel like I dont have enough time, enough time to love someone or to get over someone,enough time for sadness,happiness, just not enough time but I suppose that we all feel that way at one point or another. But its the one thing in life that never really changes, we get older and older we will always change but not time, time passes it always will even after we are gone it still goes on, It’s a bitter sweetness that will never stop.

P.s. I Love You

The (not so perfect) me

I know I am not perfect in any way shape or form. (Hush twin I know what you are going to say.) But in all honesty I don’t really want to be, I don’t want to be that tall skinny girl that every guy falls in love with just because of the way she looks I don’t want to be perfect. I want people to love me for who I am. I want them to love me because I’m not perfect, because I’m not the skinny girl. I want people to love me because I fall up the stairs and trip over things that aren’t there, I want them to love me because I’m hyper and silly, because my eyes are funny and change colors and my hair isn’t long and I dye it every other day. I want them to love me because I have the ability to love more then one person, that I have a big heart I don’t have to be friends with one person or another I can be friends with lots of people at the same time even if THEY hate each other, I want them to love me because I don’t choose a side.
I want them to love me for being too nice to everyone. <3 I want them to love me for me and nothing else and I am sorry but if you are reading this and love me less because of the things I put here….then please don’t bother talking to me anymore, because this is me, and you can have all of me or none of me. I’m done trying to change who I am to make everyone else happy.

:) <3

P.s. I love you (JUST the way you are.)

Before I Die

8 days until my birthday, my 19Th birthday. I fell old, I really do I feel like I'm growing up so fast and not really living, how sad is that. There are so many things that I want to do before...I die, or get to old to do them.

1. I want to finish my book
2. I want to meet people I never thought I would
3. I want to see the world!!
I. Greece
II.Italy
III.England
IV.The Philippians
V. Australia
VI.Egypt
4. I want to read 1000 books
5. I want to open a library
6. I want to work backstage at a fashion show in new york
7. I want to be a photographer
8. I want to get married
9. I want to have an epic Bachlorette party xD
Lol Just to name a few of the things that i want to do The list can go on a on and on

P.s. I Love You