I Love YOU Christofor

Sitting here off work today (YAY!) waiting for my wonderful Fiancee to get off work and I can't help but sit here and think....that I Love my life. My Hubby, is the best thing that ever happened to me, he saved me from myself and I can never thank him enough, even if he says that I don't have to. I still remember when I fist seen him, him in his walmart uniform :) I remember going up to the front of the store and passing him and smiling at him and running away when he smiled back at me and said hi, I did that all the time. And I remember when he first messaged me online and we talked for hours, and I gave him my number and we became friends. But from the first time I talked to him and realized how much we had in common...I fell. The first time he came over to my house, the way we would text all day and night and never get sick of each other, we would talk about the stupidest things have the most silly conversations and he kept coming around and we started hanging out at work...and then he told me he had feelings for me. He told me he fell in Love with me, and I couldn't lie. I told him I loved him to. I remember it all like it was yesterday when in fact its been almost a year he has been in my life almost a year as my friend, and 8 months as my Boyfriend. And I fall in love with him more and more everyday, he makes me smile and laugh more then anyone I have ever known, and I do get scared and upset some days that he is going to realized that he isn't happy with me or that he will fall out of love, and I pray to God every day that doesn't happen but no matter what even if it does I am going to cherish what we have for the rest of my life, he is and will always be the love of my life and even though in the beginning everything was new and exciting I would never want to trade it for what we have now because what we have no is SO much better then back then we are so comfortable with each other now we can tease each other and goof off we can be us and be happy and not have to worry about anyone or anything except...us I LOVE YOU baby and I know I bug and bug and bug you about getting married I just want to be your wife and truly be your family. You are my everything Kid forever and always xoxoxoxo -S P.s. I LOVE YOU!

Thanks for NOTHING

Today...has been one of my harder ones. My mind just goes and goes and goes to places that it shouldn't, places of the past, the past that I can't change. I always seem to think the same thing over and over again to myself in my mind. What if things were different back then, or God why WHY didn't I run, why did I let him get the best of me. I could have stopped it, could have...tried but I didn't I didn't say anything to anyone I LET it happen I was a weak little girl. I don't know what I didn't, why I thought I couldn't, and look where that got me and my family I was RIPPED away from them and now everything is different with all of them now different with my dad we talk every once in a while but I used to be everything to him and now he only talks for 5 minutes and hangs up and my brothers well Tyler talks to me more then any of them, Judsan and Jordan are different....its different with me and Logan I can't stand it. He moved in with a girl has a baby IS GETTING MARRIED and....never called me. Never even bothered. Him and I used to do EVERYTHING together. from parties and drinking to fishing on a Sunday night just everything this kid was my best friend and brother I remember when he decked some guy in the face because he called me an ugly whore and now....im not a damn thing to him and I love it. What the heck ever peace the eff out.

Oh to be Small and Innocent

Oh, how I wish to be little again, and just pretend and get lost in my own mind where no monsters of real life can touch me. Me and Twin are talking, about being little again. Ha about how we wish we can turn back the clock to where it was easier, where all we had to do was ask and it would be done, or read a book and get lost in the pages. Back to where we were at the farmhouse playing the camper or our clubhouse in the barn and pretending we were in a french restaurant and Cody was our waiter...we would always fight over him as silly as it is now or when we would walk Reba down to the bridge and back I miss chasing the boys in the playground "catch them" and then think we were dating back when life was simpler. Not that Laura and I ever really had a simple life. She and her family had their own problems, and well me I...we I decided to lose myself, lose who I really was when she left it was alright for a while. Then when I got to high school everything changed I would party all the time and sneak out of my house in the middle of the night to go to the park and "hang out" with my "friends" it took awhile for me to find who I really was again, and honestly I really didn't find myself until my sister would visit. every year...or two she was there and i would be me again back to feeling like I fit some where. Back to it all. I finally fell out of all that with a little help from her...even though I dont know if she really knew what I was up to, and...as much as I hate to admit it..Cody. -sigh- They got me out of all of that and then I went and got myself into another mess that I wouldn't get out of for years. Twin...I LOVE you. Thank you for putting up with all of my crap and talking me down when im on the ledge, and thank you for being my sister. I wouldn't change what I have now with Christofor for the world I love what we have and who we are. We are amazing together and for the first time in a long time I feel like myself, the self I lost in 6th grade, the self that I have been looking for, for all of these years with him im me again and I don't think that I will ever be able to thank him for that, not that he knows all of that I haven't told him. AndI know it sounds horribly cliche and silly But its true and I know no one not even him probably will fully understand just how much that means to me. I Love You Christofor Alan..you ARE my world and my EVERYTHING. -S P.s. I LOVE you.

Yeah...That's all.

Im so....UGHADS:KOFAJSDFAPWIHFAPISDGJA:PIKF:AJSDFJADSKJF:AJKDSGJAJgak;sdJG.....Yeah that about says it all. Im flustered and frustrated, and upset and sad, and pissed the fuck off. And I don't know why. I can't explain it, its like one minute I'm leaning towards okay and the next I feel like punching a wall and it takes the littlest things to tick me off or hurt my feelings lately I don't understand it. I never used to be this way, Hell I'm me right? everyone expects happy go lucky always has the right thing to say shoulder to cry on friend to talk to or hug Shelby, and I don't feel like her anymore. I feel like I'm slowly losing myself, But the thing is I'm HAPPY with my LIFE I'm the happiest I have ever been when it comes to love. So I don't know or understand WHY. I try going to church I try talking to people I TRY and try and TRY and NOTHING no relief from my over thinking or my fear of the past and it doesn't help I DON'T SLEEP! I don't know. I'm sorry I'm rambling AGAIN seems like a things for me now huh? Hopefully next blog I will have my stupid self under control.... -S

Lost in my own mind.

>< Whatever.

Here's to YOU

I'm writing this because I know you can read it. I DO NOT I repeat DO NOT want to be your friend. I want nothing to do with you, You chose to walk out on our friendship and now I am keeping it that way. I have given you MORE THEN ONE chance to come back into my life and every time you have told me I would be better off with out you. Well I guess you said it enough that it stuck I AM better off without you, it took me long enough to figure out but I did and now YOU'RE the one left in the dark and YOU'RE the one who wants back in my life after all of the HELL you put me and Laura through for so many years after every little game you played, after trying to pit us against each other after EVERYTHING that you have done I finally see you are no good....So Have a nice life "friend" I'm done with you and your lies I'm finally happy so let me stay that way. P.s. I SO DON'T Love you.

What....Ever.

It just feels like I can't do anything right anymore, it seems like every time everything starts to feel perfect and I have no more doubts, something else happens that pushes me back, and makes me want to pull away. I am so SICK of feeling the way I do. Felling like I don't come first, or feeling like I'm being pushed away. Feeling depressed, and sad. And it just hits me some days where I will be perfectly fine and the next second I feel like putting my fist threw a wall. Please don't get me wrong I LOVE my life I wouldn't change anything I have now for the world. I don't know it just sometimes doesn't feel like other people feel the same way, I know I'm easily forgotten about and pushed aside because I'm quiet but I don't know. As you can tell....my mind is a jumbled up mess right now, and honestly I don't know how to fix it. I know I'm complicated. -S P.s. I Love YOU.

Letting go? It's Worth a Shot.

The past is the past for a reason That is where it is supposed to stay But some cannot let it go In their head it eats away Until all their focus becomes The person that they used to be The mistakes they made in their life Oh if only they could see That you cannot change what happened No matter how hard you try No matter how much you think about it No matter how much you cry What happens in your lifetime Happens for reasons unknown So you have to let the cards unfold Let your story be shown Don't get wrapped up in the negative Be happy with what you have been given Live for today not tomorrow Get up, get out and start living Cos the past is the past for a reason It's been and now it is gone So stop trying to think of ways to fix it It's done, it's unchangeable, move on Something I am trying to learn and deal with is letting go. Not just things that have happened to me but things that are in the past of the ones I love as well. It't nothing about me judging them, nothing about me thinking I'm better then them. Its the person they were with, how long they were with them. It just feels like every where I turn something from the past is brought up or thought about. And every time that happens it feels like a part of my hope....dies or vanishes. It's hard. I'm not going to lie my past keeps sneaking up on me as well. There have been a lot of things that have happened to me that only certain people know about, things that some of my closest friends don't even know about. Things that I don't think I will ever be able to let go of or get past. Things that no one on this earth should go through, and I used to sit and think...why me? Why did this have to happen to me? I have nightmares almost nightly, and I haven't had more then a few hours of sleep since I can't even remember when, But I have to stop asking those questions because I am never going to find an answer, i have to just live with what I have to live with, sleep or no sleep. I have to push forward and TRY to move on. And now that I am with Chris it might get easier I pray every night that it does. Only time will tell.... xoxo - S And as always, P.s. I Love You.