Well Hai

Lots has happened since I last posted here... Got a new job, and a new position in THAT job..and just found out today that I'm getting promoted AGAIN...go me ha. I don't know if I was engaged last time I was here but if not then I guess thats new too. ....I also lost my Grandpa... Let me tell you, it surly hasn't been easy.......Most of you who read this know me pretty well, you know the shit I've been threw. And that I am STILL struggling with every day. You know my story. But these past couple of weeks... I have been struggling even more. I virtually don't sleep, It's hard for me to eat and when I do...it doesn't settle well. My nightmares are back FULL FORCE I might add so even if I DO get to sleep its only for a short amount of time then im wide awake again. And this anxiety that I have been having...the littlest things set me off..its like I can't DEAL with anything but even at work everyone relies on me to be the best get things done and done right my family everyone NEEDS me to be the grownup and listen to all of their problems and fix them from 400 miles away the girls from work are always asking my advice on something......its like everyone thinks im this great damn person....and I'm not. Im broken. Im the screwed up one. But i dont tell anyone about anything because I dont want to burden them with my problems. I feel like if I tell people...(who don't already know) whats happened to me...or whatever that thye are going to judge or even worse feel bad. and treat me different, I dont want that. The people that I have placed in my life I have them there for a reason, and to lose a single one of them over my past I think would crush me. Laura's worried about me...like that isn't something new I can't seem to think of a time that I'm not making her worry over SOMETHING I guess its what I'm good at..Making my best friend worry. I'm burdening her with worry like always this time its because I don't eat. Unless i'm told to. and after reading this stupid thing she will probably be even more worried. so way to go Shelby...again... Ugh yup its about that time... P.s....I Love You

I Love YOU Christofor

Sitting here off work today (YAY!) waiting for my wonderful Fiancee to get off work and I can't help but sit here and think....that I Love my life. My Hubby, is the best thing that ever happened to me, he saved me from myself and I can never thank him enough, even if he says that I don't have to. I still remember when I fist seen him, him in his walmart uniform :) I remember going up to the front of the store and passing him and smiling at him and running away when he smiled back at me and said hi, I did that all the time. And I remember when he first messaged me online and we talked for hours, and I gave him my number and we became friends. But from the first time I talked to him and realized how much we had in common...I fell. The first time he came over to my house, the way we would text all day and night and never get sick of each other, we would talk about the stupidest things have the most silly conversations and he kept coming around and we started hanging out at work...and then he told me he had feelings for me. He told me he fell in Love with me, and I couldn't lie. I told him I loved him to. I remember it all like it was yesterday when in fact its been almost a year he has been in my life almost a year as my friend, and 8 months as my Boyfriend. And I fall in love with him more and more everyday, he makes me smile and laugh more then anyone I have ever known, and I do get scared and upset some days that he is going to realized that he isn't happy with me or that he will fall out of love, and I pray to God every day that doesn't happen but no matter what even if it does I am going to cherish what we have for the rest of my life, he is and will always be the love of my life and even though in the beginning everything was new and exciting I would never want to trade it for what we have now because what we have no is SO much better then back then we are so comfortable with each other now we can tease each other and goof off we can be us and be happy and not have to worry about anyone or anything except...us I LOVE YOU baby and I know I bug and bug and bug you about getting married I just want to be your wife and truly be your family. You are my everything Kid forever and always xoxoxoxo -S P.s. I LOVE YOU!

Thanks for NOTHING

Today...has been one of my harder ones. My mind just goes and goes and goes to places that it shouldn't, places of the past, the past that I can't change. I always seem to think the same thing over and over again to myself in my mind. What if things were different back then, or God why WHY didn't I run, why did I let him get the best of me. I could have stopped it, could have...tried but I didn't I didn't say anything to anyone I LET it happen I was a weak little girl. I don't know what I didn't, why I thought I couldn't, and look where that got me and my family I was RIPPED away from them and now everything is different with all of them now different with my dad we talk every once in a while but I used to be everything to him and now he only talks for 5 minutes and hangs up and my brothers well Tyler talks to me more then any of them, Judsan and Jordan are different....its different with me and Logan I can't stand it. He moved in with a girl has a baby IS GETTING MARRIED and....never called me. Never even bothered. Him and I used to do EVERYTHING together. from parties and drinking to fishing on a Sunday night just everything this kid was my best friend and brother I remember when he decked some guy in the face because he called me an ugly whore and now....im not a damn thing to him and I love it. What the heck ever peace the eff out.

Oh to be Small and Innocent

Oh, how I wish to be little again, and just pretend and get lost in my own mind where no monsters of real life can touch me. Me and Twin are talking, about being little again. Ha about how we wish we can turn back the clock to where it was easier, where all we had to do was ask and it would be done, or read a book and get lost in the pages. Back to where we were at the farmhouse playing the camper or our clubhouse in the barn and pretending we were in a french restaurant and Cody was our waiter...we would always fight over him as silly as it is now or when we would walk Reba down to the bridge and back I miss chasing the boys in the playground "catch them" and then think we were dating back when life was simpler. Not that Laura and I ever really had a simple life. She and her family had their own problems, and well me I...we I decided to lose myself, lose who I really was when she left it was alright for a while. Then when I got to high school everything changed I would party all the time and sneak out of my house in the middle of the night to go to the park and "hang out" with my "friends" it took awhile for me to find who I really was again, and honestly I really didn't find myself until my sister would visit. every year...or two she was there and i would be me again back to feeling like I fit some where. Back to it all. I finally fell out of all that with a little help from her...even though I dont know if she really knew what I was up to, and...as much as I hate to admit it..Cody. -sigh- They got me out of all of that and then I went and got myself into another mess that I wouldn't get out of for years. Twin...I LOVE you. Thank you for putting up with all of my crap and talking me down when im on the ledge, and thank you for being my sister. I wouldn't change what I have now with Christofor for the world I love what we have and who we are. We are amazing together and for the first time in a long time I feel like myself, the self I lost in 6th grade, the self that I have been looking for, for all of these years with him im me again and I don't think that I will ever be able to thank him for that, not that he knows all of that I haven't told him. AndI know it sounds horribly cliche and silly But its true and I know no one not even him probably will fully understand just how much that means to me. I Love You Christofor Alan..you ARE my world and my EVERYTHING. -S P.s. I LOVE you.

Yeah...That's all.

Im so....UGHADS:KOFAJSDFAPWIHFAPISDGJA:PIKF:AJSDFJADSKJF:AJKDSGJAJgak;sdJG.....Yeah that about says it all. Im flustered and frustrated, and upset and sad, and pissed the fuck off. And I don't know why. I can't explain it, its like one minute I'm leaning towards okay and the next I feel like punching a wall and it takes the littlest things to tick me off or hurt my feelings lately I don't understand it. I never used to be this way, Hell I'm me right? everyone expects happy go lucky always has the right thing to say shoulder to cry on friend to talk to or hug Shelby, and I don't feel like her anymore. I feel like I'm slowly losing myself, But the thing is I'm HAPPY with my LIFE I'm the happiest I have ever been when it comes to love. So I don't know or understand WHY. I try going to church I try talking to people I TRY and try and TRY and NOTHING no relief from my over thinking or my fear of the past and it doesn't help I DON'T SLEEP! I don't know. I'm sorry I'm rambling AGAIN seems like a things for me now huh? Hopefully next blog I will have my stupid self under control.... -S

Lost in my own mind.

>< Whatever.

Here's to YOU

I'm writing this because I know you can read it. I DO NOT I repeat DO NOT want to be your friend. I want nothing to do with you, You chose to walk out on our friendship and now I am keeping it that way. I have given you MORE THEN ONE chance to come back into my life and every time you have told me I would be better off with out you. Well I guess you said it enough that it stuck I AM better off without you, it took me long enough to figure out but I did and now YOU'RE the one left in the dark and YOU'RE the one who wants back in my life after all of the HELL you put me and Laura through for so many years after every little game you played, after trying to pit us against each other after EVERYTHING that you have done I finally see you are no good....So Have a nice life "friend" I'm done with you and your lies I'm finally happy so let me stay that way. P.s. I SO DON'T Love you.